Brief Facts and Tips For Loss (adapted From the National Association of School Psychologists)
Grief is not solely related to the death of a loved one. The symptoms, characteristics, and process of grieving can be similar after other types of loss (e.g., divorce, transition, moving). During these uncertain time giref and loss are being experienced by many of us.
Grief is personal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. How people grieve can be influenced by developmental level, cultural traditions, religious beliefs, mental health, disabilities, family, personal characteristics, and previous experiences.
Grief is often characterized by sadness, emotional pain, and introspection in adults. However, children’s grief reactions differ according to age and developmental level:
Elementary - Decreased academic performance, attention/concentration, and attendance; irritability, aggression, and disruptive behaviors; somatic complaints; sleep/eating disturbances; social withdrawal; guilt, depression, and anxiety; repeated re-telling of the event
Middle and High School - Decreased academic performance, attention/concentration, and attendance; avoidance, withdrawal, high risk behaviors or substance abuse, difficulty with peer relations, nightmares, flashbacks, emotional numbing or depression
Grieving does not have a timeline. Schools should be aware of anniversaries, birthdays, developmental milestones, and other factors that could affect students months or years after the loss.
Grieving involves meeting specific milestones. Individuals are likely to experience (and often re-experience) some or all of the following adjustments/responses:
Accepting the death
Experiencing the feelings and emotional pain associated with death and separation from the deceased
Adjusting to changes and an altered environment that no longer includes the deceased
Finding ways to remember and memorialize the deceased
Grieving is a normal response to loss, but may require some support. Additional assistance should be provided when the following are noted:
Marked loss of interest in daily activities
Changes in eating and sleeping habits
Wishing to be with the deceased loved one
Fear of being alone
Significant decreases in academic performance and achievement
Increased somatic complaint
Changes in attendance patterns (e.g., chronic absenteeism)
Things to avoid
Euphemisms when referring to the deceased such as “they are sleeping,” or “they went away”
Minimizing statements such as “it was only your great-grandmother, (or dog, neighbor, etc.)”
Predicting a timeframe to complete the grieving process such as, “it has been a month, you should be getting over this,” or “the pain will fade soon”
Over-identifying, (e.g., “I know how you feel”)
Too much self-disclosure (e.g., I lost my mom to cancer) as not everyone handles self-disclosure the same way and the focus should remain on the student’s grief
Things to do
Maintain routines as normally as possible
Ask questions to ascertain the youth’s understanding of the event and emotional state
Give the youth permission to grieve
Provide age and developmentally-appropriate answers
Connect the bereaved with helping professionals and other trusted mentors and adults
Encourage students to adopt adaptive coping strategies, particularly ones that will involve interaction with other students (e.g., sports, clubs)
Educate teachers and families about what is healthy grief and how to support the student
Each school has been provided with a backpack containing grief resources through the Community Grief Center. If you would like to borrow a backpack, contact your school's counselor or school social worker.